SILENT NIGHT, LONELY NIGHT.

 

I AM HUMAN.

As I lie on this sick bed resting, I want to tell you that I’m scared. I’m scared if I die today my fans will not know why Olatorera stops writing. I’m very afraid for my life, my aspirations, my hopes, my desires, my dreams and everything! I ask myself; where did I go wrong? Where did I miss it? Trust me, I’m not where I envisioned I’m going to be as the big three zero loom over my head.

I HAD A PLAN.

The plan was to graduate with honors at twenty-three at most, serve the nation and be working by twenty-five, and get married at most twenty-six and by the age of thirty have the perfect three kids I want to have! (Right now I’m laughing and crying and the nurses are wondering what’s wrong with me!) Even though I know life was not a straight line and Tai Solarin has already told us the road ahead is rough, I didn’t envision it was going to be this hard. It this point I must tell you I’ve never had it easy in my life, from birth till date, it’s been trying and only my mum could explain this to you.

SO WHAT WENT WRONG?

I don’t know seriously! I did everything right! Went to the right school, (shout out to all EXMAYS in the house!) got the right grades, chose the right friends, got into the university at one try, read very hard, dated the right boys, (at least I think I did) treated the guys I dated very well, be there for my friends, but it seemed life has its own formula to success! A different formula for everyone by the way.

I’M SCARED.

Why am I scared? What if I die today? I will die lonely! No boyfriend! No kids! (I think I’ve been listening to too much of Adekunle Gold!) It’s a crazy world, you know? I love someone who loves another girl and maybe there’s someone out there who loves me too (but I’m not desperate to settle for less) and I don’t know about it! I begin to ask myself silly questions. Did I say no to the right person? Did I overlook the right person? Will I ever get married? Will I have kids? Am I going to grow old and die alone? I don’t think so really but we never can tell! The most annoying part is that no one really understands or cares! Everyone thinks I have someone. The most difficult part for me is that I don’t know how to identify the real one. I don’t know who’s coming for my body because of what I write and who’s seeing beyond my pen and really coming for my heart! Dilemma right?

PRETTY GIRLS ARE THE LONELIEST!

As I lie watching the slow movement of water being passed into my body, I wish there is someone holding my hand, telling me to get well soon because he misses me on his bed. I wish he’s telling me how much horrible life will be without me by his side. Someone forcing me to eat and take my drugs. Someone telling the nurse to take it easy with the injections. Someone kissing my forehead and cheeks in a protective manner. Someone bringing me chocolates, pizza and cards.Someone getting into my sick bed and cuddling me when the nosy nurses aren’t looking. Someone to say and mean; I LOVE YOU. I crave for love, for the need to be needed. I crave for more…

IF WISHES WERE HORSES…

So girls, single girls and single girls pretending they have someone, (I know because I do it all the time!) it is very okay to be scared! Just because your friends got there before and their lives seem perfect doesn’t mean you won’t find yours. It’s okay to be vulnerable (as I am right now). Let the pain out once in a while, cry, wail, roar, howl, do whatever you feel like doing when this painful depression hit you. (I’ve done all of the above!) My darlings, after you have given it what it takes, get back up and continue with your life. Be happy, I mean do your best to be happy!

LET’S GET BACK TO WORK!

I want to say thank you to all the people that checked on me, thank you very much! I’m not mad with you guys that didn’t check on me, even the people I consider friends didn’t either even after I told them! So, I will get out of my sulking moment, clean my face, pick up my pen and write you wonderful love stories I’ve only dreamed of! Feel free to cry on my shoulder if you are feeling anything near what I’m feeling. I love you always.

4-4-1 continues on Friday!

 

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…To be continued…

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Written by Olatorera

Edited by Olatorera 

© 2015 by IBIOLAT communications.